independence

being here in aus is all about being independent

everyday is like a lonely stroll down the same path

waking up, going into the shower, driving to work, testing patients, lunch, gym/straight home, dinner and sleep.

nothing really motivates me at the moment, except to earn money for the sake of earning money.

i used to earn money so i could go out to watch movies/shop to doll up nicely/eat good food.

i guess im borned to be like this.

i never really had any passion for anything.

when i was younger, i tried dancing/drawing/play the organ/learn arithmetics etc..

and never once have i ever accomplished a good end result.

i mean well, i did well when i was learning to do it..but that's it.

i never did continue towards the end till i eventually actually gained a proper talent.

so now, im left with no talent at all..

unless u count being alone, emo-ing and eating as a talent :D

i had a really bad day yesterday..

coupled with my already pretty lousy mood for the past week,

encountering an inpatient in the hospital wasnt exactly my idea of a good end to my day at work.

i donno if it was the way i explained it to her, or she was most probably just really blur in the head..but she COULD NOT perform the technique properly at all.

being the stubborn me, i kept trying to explain it to her..and even demonstrating it to her myself...yet she still wasnt able to do it properly.

i was completely frustrated to the point that i almost teared up.

and i felt so hopeless..with no one there to rely on. i dont even have my usual source of comfort anymore. no one to whine to, and manja to.

i mean of course i have my family and friends, but normally i dont really like expressing my feelings. that would just make me feel really useless.

maybe staying here isnt such a good idea after all.

my family is always there for me, i know it, and

my friends are all over the place..and even though i can feel their support

it still really aint enough.

at the end of the day, when i'm at home and just about to go to bed..

i'm ultimately alone. under the sheets, hugging the teddy bear..indulging in my own thoughts.

even falling asleep stimes can be hard..or at times i just force myself to sleep so as to forget all the thoughts that has been tormenting me when i am awake.

strangely, im really down in my mood today. i've been okay since the break up, not perfectly fine..but definitely okay. i thought the break up was a good idea..i accepted it, and i lived with it. but seriously, changes arent easy.

the thought of not having anyone there to rely on anymore and just spend quality time with, really puts my mood down.

eating good food to comfort myself..yeah, just a temporary relief which well..might probably result in me complaining that im fatter lol.

i guess im just lost cos im all alone again. perhaps just missing the company..more so than the feelings for the other half.

urgh. im gonna be happy again after gym today. and oh, i had some winter veg soup for lunch and it was totally yuck )= so much for trying to eat healthy food haha

love,

carol